Today's Lesson

Don't give more of yourself than you're willing to live without.

The past few months have really been draining my spirit. I know that sounds stupid. This post has probably been a long time coming and none of the words are quite right (and as I type this on my lunch at work, I'm trying not to cry like a big baby).

I'm kind of fed up with a lot of different areas of my life right now, but there aren't any quick fixes. The one thing that I thought was improving was the biggest chunk of what I felt was missing - someone special. This morning I learned that it might not be the case. Well, really last night set my wheels in motion (again), but this morning it all came crashing down on me. I can't really go into it right now and I'm not sure I want to; however, part of me needs to scream at the top of my lungs that I'm so frustrated with the boy. I knew a lot of things going into this and I kept telling myself to not get attached, but I am an idiot and did it anyway. I think I have to back away from this situation a little. I'm not completely giving up hope (because to be honest, my feelings are far to strong to dismiss as being wrong), I just need a breather and he most definitely needs to figure out what the hell he wants before I get crushed.

I've come to the realization today that I need crave communication. It's funny because one of my exes always said that was his love language and I never really got it. I do now. I deserve to be first in someone's life and maybe that's the part of me that creates doubt about the current situation...could I ever really be first to him with his son in the picture? Most likely not. I thought I could deal with that, but a part of me still holds out that "little girl Cinderella hope" for the one good guy who has never been married, who doesn't have kids but wants them, and who adores his family but doesn't need their input to make every little decision. I'm not sure that guy exists. I don't feel like I'd be settling to end up with someone else (like dad with a son and an ex), but part of me still wants to be someone's first and last.

I've also learned that I give a lot of myself. So much so that I often times don't have much of myself left. In all relationships. I've always been the one all my friends turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate a joy with. I'm the one my family comes to for any and everything. I'm the one at work everyone feels they can talk to about life and work. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy being someone of character and having trust placed in me to keep everyone's secrets. There are just so few that I feel I could go to in return and have the same confidence that my secrets would never be leaked. Make sense??

I am feeling uneasy about all the changes the company I work for is making...they are just not sound decisions. It makes me feel like I should pack up and get the hell outta dodge before it all comes tumbling down! (It's really not THAT bad, but I don't think there will be room left to grow here.) This was never my dream job. I kinda know what my dream job(s) would be, but I'm not really anywhere close to making one part of it happen. The other part (the Scentsy part) is getting closer to being a reality, but it will take some time.

Sorry for the woe is me post. I hate feeling this way. None of this still really encompasses the entirety of what I'm feeling right now, but it'll have to do I guess.

I need to find more of my joy again....the things that make me happy. Earlier this week I was working on a design project for a longtime customer and it hit me that I didn't enjoy it anymore. It used to make me smile and I used to get such a rush from my customers gushing over the work I'd done for them. I don't feel that way anymore. It's a chore. A chore that I've decided I'm no longer going to do after this month. I'm just down to a few customers left anymore, so it's the right time to put that to bed, even if I will miss the few extra dollars a month. I'm not sure what else I can add to my life because the one thing I enjoy most (traveling) is far too expensive to add in, although I may attempt some small trips in the near future. So for anyone who lives in driving distance - watch out - I may be coming to a town near you! ha

Thanks for listening....um, reading along with my drama. I think I'm done learning lessons today. Well, one can hope. There's still a lot of day left. *sigh*